Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Tears, tears and more tears

Since my last blog post a lot has changed in our lives, as it obviously should since I haven't blogged in 10 months. But one constant seems to be that I'm quite teary. It seems that every time I turn a corner something happens that makes me cry.

Good tears and bad.

Some people may not understand why the act of crying is a big deal to me, others will completely understand when I explain. See, for the past (almost) 13 years I've held my emotions tight. After my water broke (at 23 weeks) and Paige was born (at 25.5) weeks I learned that crying would do nobody any good. I learned to turn off the tears as soon as they would come to the surface. It was difficult at first but became easier as the years went on. I'm not emotionless by any means. I just don't really cry often.

But there are the moments in life when something catches me so off guard that the tears start to flow before I can stop them. Sometimes I wonder if all the tears I should have been shedding over the years aren't stored up somewhere in my body. When the faucet gets turned on, 13 years of tears are trying to pour out.

Now I can't seem to turn off the faucet. We've had some big changes over the past 10 months, been in some pretty emotion filled situations too. I am constantly fighting off tears. Even as I type this the tears are trying to come out.

I'm hoping that by blogging again I can deal with some of these feelings head on.

By the way... I've missed you all. Silly, I know. But it's true.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was happy to see you in my Google Reader today! I always loved your blog!
Can't wait for you to start blogging more. I missed you, too!

Courtney said...

Missed you, too. Welcome back.

broadwaypoetez said...

New reader, and I have to say I love your blog and I'm happy you are posting. I was a 24wk,680g preemie in 1988, and your blog helps me answer a lot of questions I have about myself.

Tears are okay.

Mab said...

It's nice to meet you. My preemie arrived just 6.5 months ago at 29 weeks, and I was shocked. In less than five hours, we went from healthy, easy, low risk pregnancy (the doctor said that) tiny preemie. I cry now more than ever, to be honest.

Anonymous said...

My daughter was a 25 weeker and is now almost 8 yrs old. There have been a lot of tears. She has been diagnosed with Aspergers and is having a terrible time in school. There's constant doctor's appts and meetings with the school. She has become violent towards others and herself. At this stage, I am so sad but I feel numb.

medrecgal said...

Glad to see you back, but terribly curious after reading your post (especially the title). Hope things are generally OK and looking forward to more posts.

Allie said...

I know what you mean. I don't blog often, I read more than I post, but I started as a way to let out my emotions and feelings after the birth of my 28 week preemie. It definitely has helped me lots in two years.

Anonymous said...

Stacy,

You are back! Your blog was one of the first things I read almost four years ago when my 27 week preemie twins were born. I certainly hope you will keep us updated-you are a special person to us.

I agree-tears are okay.

Lynn

Sarah said...

Yay! Good to see you back. I've missed you, here and at PBM.

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Tammy said...

I hope you return to blogging, I am a former NICU nurse (I now do full time Perinatal Bereavement Care) and I find the things you have written about very important.

Congratulations on your daughter turning 13...my only daughter just turned 16 and we went to Paris just the 2 of us. We couldnt afford it so we got a bad hotel room and learned to ride busses/Metro but the best stuff there is free.

Anonymous said...

Stacy- I wish you were still posting! This is one of the few blogs with honest information about the long term mental health impacts of prematurity.